In case you don’t know, GTA is my all-time favorite video game franchise. Almost 10 years ago, my life was changed forever after my friend had introduced GTA: Vice City to me. I was not only fascinated by the storyline, the soundtrack, the ability to run around and do what I want, and gameplay in general, but also the fact that there are talk radio stations in this game. I mean, they wrote the WHOLE new script of radio stations. And not just music stations, they lampooned talk radio stations as well. This becomes a traditional in every GTA games. But what you might not notice is that they brilliantly satire both left and right wing on these radio programs as well. It’s so well-written, it can sum up US politics for those who don’t know anything about this topic at all. Well, what kind of political topics discussed in these radio stations? Since there are many shows and many topics out there, I have to pick ONLY my favorite ones here in order to save my and readers’ time.
GTA: Vice City
There’s only one talk radio station that has anything to do with politics. It’s called VCPR: Vice City Public Radio. While the station takes a break from doing political panel show called Pressing Issues, Jonathan Freeloader and Michelle Montanius, two supervisors, are running the beg-a-thon. They are going to say anything to make you feel guilty and then donate to VCPR since it’s a public radio. Their quote are so hilarious and over-the-top. For example…
“We just got an enormous pledge from Farewell Ranch. That’s
great! Farewell Ranch is a great place to take your loved one. Just
dial 866-9-BURYME. Remember, VCPR is commerical and interest free.”
“MICHELLE: That’s Pressing Issues here on VCPR, Vice City Public Radio.
If you haven’t given money to VCPR, and you’re listening to this
station, you are a thief.
JONATHAN: That’s right, Michelle. You might as well as throw a brick
through the window and loot the place. How selfish you people are? This
is public radio, serving the public, with everything that is important.
Like me. So come on. Keep us on air. It’s really important”
“Jonathan: Here’s a $10 pledge from Fran in Little Havana. Wow, you
think she could’ve given more than that.
Michelle: Yes. Mean bitch! I hope she dies an agonizing death!”
This is a clever satire of typical public radio stations that tries anything to get money from listeners, although they aren’t as rude as these two people. Anyway, VCPR has only one show in GTA: Vice City. It’s called Pressing Issues, which is, as I said before, a panel show hosted by Maurice Chavez. There are three topics discussed in this show. Let’s take a look at them…
We have three people in the discussion: a) Pastor Richards (a fraud evangelist). b) Jan Brown (an uber-conservative mom), and c) Barry Stark (an insane nudist). Here, each person injects their own version of morality
Pastor Richards: He believes in Christianity…and by Christianity I mean giving him money for something he calls “Pastor Richards Salvation Funds”. He claims that he wants money so he can build a statue. What kind of statue, you may ask? Well, Pastor Richards, go ahead…
“Noah hand an ark, Texans had the Alamo, and I am building a highly fortified structure in my image. Simple. This 50 story statue will be able to deflect alpha, gamma, and beta radiation. The day is coming, and coming soon, when the Artificial Suns will rain down to punish the degenerates of this city. But you can save yourself. The Pastor Richards Salvation Statue will be a completely self-sufficient community. We have canned food rations, private living quarters, and enough supplies to survive happily the predicted 40,000 years of nuclear winter. In phase 2, and with funding from NASA, we will equip this massive statue with rockets. So when the poopy hits the proverbial fan, we will load up the statue with all of the people who saved themselves through generous donations, blast into space, and colonize Saturn with a race of morally correct, affluent people ruled by me.”
If that doesn’t sound like a dumb scam, I don’t know what it is. Also he whines about the immorality of the modern world like this.
“It’s morally corrupt people like you we’re shielding ourselves from: Liberals, degenerates, the Welsh… They’re the ones responsible for the nightmare Vice City is today. The crime in the streets, the parties, the children born out of wedlock to a future of hopelessness. Anyone who does not agree with me is mentally sick, and should be shot I’m afraid to say. We need to build a place to escape these transgressions.”
“People need to learn how to take care of themselves and not depend on others. If you read chapter 45 of my book, I talk about how being selfish is a virtue. The best thing you can do for someone that needs help is to tell them to help themselves. That builds moral character.”
“People want to be told how to act. Most people are idiots, and that’s exactly who my teachings appeal to. This lawless, permissive society has no boundaries, and without boundaries how do you know where the limits are? You have to know what’s good and what’s evil. You need someone to tell you so. Single moms have obese kids, it’s a fact. While rich people have a lot of guilt unnecessarily in my opinion.”
“There’s another example of immorality in this city; public showing of affection. People think we want to see them making out and
carrying on. I understand your hormones rage like a wild animal and you want to ravage one another like there’s no tomorrow, but you have to ignore what your body is telling you and work for a higher calling, like construction!”
“TV is trash, radio is trash, our newspapers are run by Canadians with an agenda. Our very way of life is threatened. We formed this great state to play golf, and I’ll be damned if any weirdo hippies are going to tell us we can’t fill in wetlands and make a home for ourselves, complete with 18 hole championship standard courses and selective admission. Heathens will ruin the land, acid will rain from the skies, we’ll never hear my voice again- It will be anarchy!”
As you can see, he’s an exaggerated version of stereotypical right-wingers. He blames the society on things like TV show, premarital sex, and the lack of “family values”. Plus, he believes in Ayn Rand’s theory and the whole “We’re good guy and you’re bad guy. Therefore, you must be destroyed.”. That’s kinda reminds us of, well, some of GOP candidates you’ve heard of…right?
So why does he believe in things like this? I think it’s because his faith is too strong and he will say anything listeners wanna hear so they can give money to him. His definition of morality seems to be anything that gets him money and the whole “good old days” value.
Next, we have Jan, an uber-conservative mother who believes in family values. But no, not THAT kind of family value. This is what she believes in…
“My morality comes from looking at history and biology and
working out what’s best for my kids and screw anyone else. That’s what this country’s all about.”
“One of my hobbies, besides making babies and criticizing people, is biology. You learn so much from nature. People these days, they don’t grow their own food. They can barely get out of their recliners and make it to the super market. Let me tell you, there’s nothing super about that place. Kids these days don’t know how to preserve and can their own food. N-No wonder all they want to do is play video games or hang out with their friends. What is it, The Degeneratron? What a crock of shit!”
“I heard him using slang words in the house the other day. Rad and cool and stick it… I mean, I beat him to within an inch of his life, and he will never make that mistake again. American should be spoken properly! […] My daddy taught me how to slaughter a pig. That’s very useful information. Oh sure, I was a little nervous at first, but he put me in a room with a fork and a fat sow and told me he’d be back in an hour for some fat back and hog jowls. As a mother, I’m proud to say I throttled the life out of that little piggie. I did it for my family, and I’ll do it again as a mother.”
“That’s what’s wrong this country. All of this emphasis on being thin and healthy. When my children are hungry I give them a spear and send them off to the park to catch their own food. They’re learning to be self-sufficient. Yesterday, my youngest Jono, killed the postman, but at least he was trying. So I gave him a cuddle and told him to hit daddy next time he comes home late smelling of cheap perfume.”
“We can learn so much from other cultures. Did you know in India the women protest by setting themselves on fire? I tell you, next time the kids are screaming for ice cream and pop, I may just douse myself in kerosene. I use that as a threat to my kids all the time, so it’s no wonder they’re so screwed up.”
[Wasn’t that happened in Vietnam, BTW?]
“You know, pretty soon you won’t be able to tell who’s a human and
who’s an android. Why, the corporation is working on it right now. I
know, I read about it. I tell my kids not to kiss other kids at school,
“It might be an android… Suck your brains out.””
Yep, she strongly believes in self-reliant. So much so that she teaches kids to go hunting in the day and age that supermarket exists. And no! She does not only teaches kids to hunt animals (Is it wrong? It depends on situation), she also teaches kids to hunt a postman! For food? Nobody knows. And another topic that she bitches about is corrupt culture. She blames that video game makes kid lazy and the whole slang words are nonsense. It’s called a culture, Jan! It’s always changing. Later on, she accidentally reveals that her husband is cheating on her. Gee, I wonder why.
To sum up, her definition of morality seems to be about self-reliance and teaching kids to do things by themselves.
Finally, we have Barry Stark, a nudist. I think I don’t have to put his quotes here since he believes that we can solve EVERY social issues if we’re nude. For instance, he believes that if we’re naked nobody will know who’s who anymore and the crime rate will go down. He even implies that the war won’t happen if we’re all nude because nobody wants to shoot machine gun while naked. His morality seems to based on belief that nudist can solve any problem: from financial to crimes to war.
Actually, Pressing Issues has a discussion about “Positive Thinking” as well, but I wanna jump into this topic since it’s more relevant to political field and I can sum up about it right here: self-help programs are no different from drugs. It makes us become an addict and uses the same formula again and again no matter what happens in real world.
Anyway, in Public Safety discussion, we have a) Congressman Alex Shrub b) Callum Crayshaw (a Liberal poser) c) John F. Hickory (Florida redneck). So, to quote Maurice Chavez, let’s press the issue!
Alex Shrub is a politician who wins the vote thanks to his motto: “”It’s okay to be rich, as long as you say you care about the children.” Plus, he was”calling his opponent a “buffalo butt” and a fat, hen-pecked wimp that couldn’t fight his way out of a wet, paper bag.”
#trump2016 , huh?
Anyway, he likes to embarrass other people, like exposing Maurice’s past that he was a failure clown. Plus, he sometimes dodges the question and talks about other things instead. Here’s highlight from the whole “discussion”.
“Liberals just want to open the floodgates, let anyone in, and make you, the ordinary hard-working men and women pay for the pleasure. Well, you have my permission to beat them with sticks. We won’t prosecute. You’d be doing us all a favor!”
“I’ve ensured important tax breaks for gun retailers, real estate
developers, and I’ve cut the cost of policing, saving the city 2%, or 25
cents per household, over a six year period.”
(in regards about demolishing parks)
“So you suggest we just stop making babies? People need a place to
park their boat and trailer and to put their swimming pool. You’re
beginning to sound red, and by that I mean you prefer a hammer and
sickle over a hamburger.”
“What does the rest of the world have to tell us about how to do
things? Build more trains? Have people elect their leader rather than
an elite electoral college? Ride a bike to work like a girl scout or a
clown with dietary concerns? No thanks, Vladmire.”
“We don’t need gun control. If you read the Constitution, it’s a sacred document that should not be changed. Under our constitution women couldn’t vote, but the liberals come in crying crocodile tears. We need to get scare-mongers and non-believers, men like you Chavez, under control. I’ve got a good mind to get your funding removed.”
“The Constitution inserts a man’s right to bear arms, and… and arm bears, and all points in between. Who ever heard of a gun… or
a bear causing problems?”
“Trouble is caused by unemployment, and unemployment comes from poor, economic performance and lazy people. If
you had job, would you steal a car? Of course not! …And if you had a
high-rise condo, a mistress, uh… and a seat on the board, would you
run around graffitiing your name all over town and making a nuisance of yourself, spinning on your back, and poppin’ and lockin’ and… Not a hope. It’s simple. If you don’t have a job, starve. Get out of my
constituency by force if necessary, and starve.”
“Well, what I tell people is this: Gather up your life savings, buy yourself a piece of swamp, drain it, and get rid of the damn wildlife, then apply for planning permission. Pretty soon, you can have your own retirement community or resort destination holiday place. You can start making money out of the boom, the… Shrub-inspired boom… And enjoy the kind of things sensible people have: Personal bodyguards, massive fences, and a bigger collection of guns than the other guy. It stands the reason.”
“Gangs are a myth put out by the liberal elite to patronize and
demean the working man. I mean, what kind of right-minded youth from a poor background is going to spend his time stealing things and posing in silly clothes, when he could be getting ahead with a minimum wage job and making his parent proud?”
“I believe in giving people a chance. Not tying them down with
lots of needless regulations. The fact is business is run by moral
people who won’t do anything illegal or try to get rich quickly.”
“I’ll remind people that I have a great haircut, and under my
stewardship Vice City has had, on average, 15% better weather than
before, while crime rates only go up if you don’t turn the graph upside
down. Turn it upside down, and they have halved- HALVED under me, Alex Shrub. Vote Shrub for president and you’ll have a friendly face in the White House. A man you can trust. A local man who likes golf, and
laughing, and photo opportunities at your store or place of business.
Just send me a letter. I’ll send you an automated, photocopied response. We call it “democracy” and that’s where the money goes.”
Again, #trump2016 , huh?
This guy is so hilariously entertaining. But I don’t want him to be a president for the same reason I think Trump is a joke. (And before you call me a commie pinko, please continue reading article until the end). I mean, there are quotes from Alex that makes me laugh like the ones about “bear arms” or “”I’ll remind people that I have a great haircut, and under my
stewardship Vice City has had, on average, 15% better weather than
before, while crime rates only go up if you don’t turn the graph upside
down.” But some of them make me furious. Like, “If you don’t have a job, starve. Get out of my constituency by force if necessary, and starve.” or the outrageous “The fact is business is run by moral people who won’t do anything illegal or try to get rich quickly.”Personally, I don’t think I’m Liberal because I hate their bully antics and the whole “Government should do more things” isn’t work well recently. But Alex is a great example of why I also don’t wanna be labeled as Conservative nowadays. I mean, I still prefer Capitalism to Socialism, but that doesn’t mean that we can let companies do anything they want. WE should be the one who monitor the corrupt organizations. Corporations are creating jobs, but if they fuck us in the ass, we have rights to fuck them back!
Phew! Anyway, Alex also has the whole attitude about “Money first, other things later”. Like when he says that he wants to build high rise condos and luxury buildings instead of parks and recreations. In Bangkok, we have TONS of shopping mall already. Hell, some of them are places next to each other, yet people still go there! It’s ridiculous since there are many competitors out there and, seriously, do we need THAT amount of shopping places that look the same?
Wait a minute, isn’t the topic about public safety? Well, he doesn’t say much about it anyway, so…moving on.
Next, we have Liberal poser named Callum. He’s a son of millionaire and tries so hard to be compassionate. He’s a pretty good example of why Liberals become a joke now
“I’m 23, but I feel much older, and wiser. I know everything.
I’ve seen a lot of the world.”
“You really see what’s wrong with this country when you visit a European utopia. Things like a journey, public transportation, health care, leather shorts, mustaches. When I went to Belize, I helped some villagers clear some land for an environmentally-friendly coal mine. We’ve all got to make some sacrifices if we’re going to get anywhere. My dad gave me the money to set up an exciting trust there.”
(on preventing crimes)
“What we need are more after-school sports like choir or drama,
so people can learn to express themselves properly, by singing or
pretending to be a tree. Have you ever heard a whale sing? It’s a
lonely form of beauty and some very ancient wisdom. Helping people to help themselves with drama and choir and flowers and my dad’s money.”
“By giving everyone hope… A dream of a better tomorrow. By
encouraging people to grow their own root vegetables. What’s the
satisfaction of holding a gun in your hand when you could be holding a ho, planting seeds in a peasent village?”
“We believe passionately in non-violent solutions to life’s problems. Gangs have to learn to love… To be inclusionary. We’d award badges to good gangs, and give bad gangs a silly hat to wear. It would give people something to feel a part of. Kill with kindness, not a garden tool.”
Have you ever heard Dead Kennedys’ Holidays In Cambodia? I think Jello wrote that song with people like Callum in his mind. Sure, he claims that he has been there and there, but he CLEARLY has no idea how real world works. First, he takes country’s background for granted and thinks that we can apply A’s system to B country. Just because Socialism works in Europe, doesn’t mean that it also works in other parts of the world. We have to look at our country’s background and choose/adapt the system that works for us. Sometimes, fusion between ideology can makes things better as well. Second, he’s so anti-violence that it becomes a joke. He claims that the only way to deal with criminals is to give “good hat/bad hat” for them to wear! Holy shit! I mean, I’m isolationist when it comes to foreign policy but I’m pro-death penalty. I’ve read the Utopia book, which tells us that death penalty doesn’t work and the jail should exist in order to turn bad people into good people. The problem is the fact that there are many criminals who comes in and out and in and out of jail. They are repeat offenders. Sure, there are many reasons why he becomes a criminal, but we have to not only stop the roots of problems, we also have to stop the cycle of criminals as well.
And finally, John the redneck. Not much to say since he’s one of those “They took ‘er jobs” just like in South Park. Basically, he thinks that freeing Florida from US mainland (by digging river!) can solve immigration problems. Sounds ridiculous to me and everyone.
———————————
Well, that’s it for today. For the next times, we’ll talk about these stations in each part of article…
- WKTT+PLR
- VCPR (Vice City Stories)
- Blane County Radio
PS. Fuck that Chakra Attack show on WCTR (in GTA 5). Dragging the same joke for 10+ minutes isn’t funny. Ask any people who stop watching SNL.